Wow. I just logged into this blog by accident, I completely forgot I made this awhile back. I have changed so much since I last wrote on here, it’s crazy. I can’t believe I still have followers, after four months of not using it. “Like” this if anyones out there?

I read my little sister’s journal. I learned so much about this girl, I feel like she’s a completely different person. She’s been in “relationships” that caused her depression and shit, and she’s only in the seventh grade. She says “fuck” or some variation of the word on almost every page. She said she “cut” herself (she put quotations around it, so I’m not sure if it’s legit), and she just says things that I would never expect of her. Like “I love Armando. He hugged me. He’s dating Summer, But I’m gonna flirt, because I love Armando.” Armando? Justin? Julian? Kailish? Alex? Who are these guys. Their names, and more, fill up the whole thing. “Me + Justin= no more. not even friends (: He wants to still be friends. But I wanna be a bitch (:”

This is so upsetting.

I was lying on the couch, sick.

Dad: “Wow, look at you. You go from here to here. What a giant kid!”

giant kid

Same day, I went out to eat with my boyfriend and his family. We went to a hibachi place, and the guy gave me a little bit too much chicken. My boyfriend offered some to his cousin, like I couldn’t speak for myself. Of course I wasn’t going to eat it all, but he didn’t have to just assume it. It was like saying “that food is just going to make you fatter. let my cousin have it.”

i’m just too sensitive. i can’t help it.

It’s got to get bad, before it gets good.

I’m still here waiting for it to turn around and get better already.

Today was so bad. Starting over tomorrow. Starting over, again. 

Yeah, “can’t you just go workout real quick?” isn’t going to happen. I can’t keep doing this, eating whatever I want. And that’s your only advice, ever. I can’t go workout without my family being like “oh, look at you trying to be active” or questioning me somehow. I did two shows yesterday, which was enough exercise in itself. I shouldn’t feel bad about eating. And yet, you tell me to work out. Instead of saying something like “oh, you don’t need to worry about eating dinner, you don’t need to work out, you did enough yesterday, you’re perfectly skinny, eating a little bit isn’t going to mess that up, because you’re skinny and don’t need to exercise it off.” But no, you give me “Oh, go work out, you have time.” Are you trying to tell me something? Or am I just insane. Yeah, I think I am.

There’s definitely something wrong with me. And then I have this “demand for attention” that I can’t shake off. If nobody cares about what I do to myself, I go into a depressed state of loneliness. And the people I trust are caring less and less about me. I’m constantly in need of people to worry over me, and that’s so selfish, i can’t stand it. I need to stop, and I need to stop now, because I’m being selfish and stupid, and I don’t deserve anyone to worry about me. It’s not fair. I wish I never told anyone. Hopefully people will start to forget if I just stop talking about it. I’m alone in this, starting now.

My performances this weekend went really good. I had a great night last night with my friends, and tomorrow, I’m ready to start new. I’m not hitting 1000 calories in one day ever again.